I Just Wanted To Say...

What is your problem?

Name:
Location: Georgia, United States

I am me. More than I was, less than I will be. This is difficult. Facts-female, southern, mother and grandmother. Abstract-a Christian, a loner, intelligent, somewhat arrogant, impatient with stupidity, an unusual sense of humor.

6/11/2005

Always so focused

I went to the grocery store today. A normal weekend activity. But something happened that I think I need to write down here.
I was making my way through the store and I heard a voice say my name. I stopped and saw one of the bailiffs who works in our courtroom occasionally. He's in his 70's and a fine gentleman. I smiled at him and said hello. He said he'd seen me a couple of times moving up and down the aisles, but that he hadn't spoken because I seemed to be very intent on what I was doing. I laughed and said I did have a tendency to be focused. He said,

"I know. I've never seen you do anything where you weren't focused. "

We spoke for a few more minutes about some courthouse business and I went on and finished my shopping.
But I couldn't get what he said out of my mind. I know that I have a tendency to put my full attention on what I consider to be an important task. My family sometimes teases me about being obsessive-compulsive. But before Mr. C said that to me, I hadn't realized that my behaviour was that obvious to someone outside my family or that I was doing it even while I was grocery shopping
My first reaction after I got over the surprise was an automatic concern that if my intensity was obvious to someone I didn't see that often, then it was an out-of-control flaw that needed to be corrected. My second reaction, which followed quickly after the first, was irritation at myself for falling into a trap that I have been trying to get out of and then irritation at the world in general for setting standards of acceptable behaviour that don't work for me.
Why shouldn't I do everything with intensity if it suits me? Even the books dealing with personality typing say that one of the flaws of an INTJ is an inability to relax and enjoy themselves. Well, I do a great many things that bring me enjoyment. And I do them with intensity. I do things I don't enjoy with intensity. What is wrong with that? Who set the rule that in order to "enjoy" yourself, you have to be relaxed? It wasn't an INTJ.
If watching me do things with focused intensity exhausts you or causes you mental or emotional distress, then don't watch. Go somewhere else. Go to sleep. Go away.

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