I Just Wanted To Say...

What is your problem?

Name:
Location: Georgia, United States

I am me. More than I was, less than I will be. This is difficult. Facts-female, southern, mother and grandmother. Abstract-a Christian, a loner, intelligent, somewhat arrogant, impatient with stupidity, an unusual sense of humor.

8/26/2005

Heart of Darkness

I started to title this "People suck..." but after typing it, I realized how childish it sounded, so I'm not going to use it. There is nothing childish about where I am now mentally and emotionally.

For the last three weeks, I have been in the grip of one of the darkest moods I have had in years. I know what triggered it, I know what has kept it aggravated, I know what has fed it. I am not completely over it yet, but I am beginning to come out of it. I want to come out of it, because I live in a world where it has no proper place, but there is also a part of me that wants to hold onto it.

It is a dark, ugly, cold, vicious, sadistic mood. It brings to mind things that wait in the shadows with fangs and claws for something unwary to come along and takes pleasure in ripping and tearing. There is nothing cheerful or positive or pleasant or happy about it. But for all of that, I find it seductive. I feel an insidious attraction to it. I like it, even while I hate it. I want to wallow in it and give in to it, even while I want it to go away.

I like it, because even in the depths of it's ugliness, it's honest and real. None of the thoughts I have had about others are false. On the contrary, they are what might well be called "The Painful Truth." There are no pretenses, no promises, no consideration of how it might cause pain or of how great the pain would be. There is nothing fake there. It simply is what it is. Truths no one wants to hear about themselves.

I like it, because unlike the more positive emotions that I have to put effort into, I don't have think or take any action to maintain the mood. It thrives on and feeds off of external forces.

I like it because it's powerful. Incredibly powerful. My mental acuity sharpens and above just about all else, I take real pleasure in the enhanced focus I am capable of, even though there is a knife-sharp edge to my thoughts. And while it feeds off external forces, there are no external forces that can control it. Only me. And even I can only control how much of it makes it's way into the world outside my mind.

Very few, if any, of the people I associate with on a regular basis have been aware of this mood. Over the years, I have become very accomplished at presenting an acceptable face to the world. I try to avoid as much human contact as possible. My daughter, whom I see every day, has noticed that I seem a bit shorter tempered than usual and that some comments I have made in reference to certain situations and people have been less than kind, but even she is not aware of the depths of the mood.

I have not read any of the blogs I read on a regular basis for a while. I don't want much human contact. I have missed reading Mexi and Laconis and the others, but I couldn't bear to involve myself with them. I feel obligated to be positive if I comment and that is something that has been beyond my abilities for a while.

I have not even wanted to write anything here, because this is a positive force in my life.

But the darkness is fading, and hopefully, with this post, I will once again begin to be able to express myself without concern that what I write will be so cold that even I won't want to read it.

1 Comments:

Blogger Cosmic Siren said...

You don't have to be positive on my account. I'm a big girl. If I have to, I'll bite back. ;)

1:04 AM  

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